Douchebag Day 2007 (and until a fortnight into the new year)

I want to be honest: you need to seek professional help.

I am speaking to those who insist on sitting out in the freezing cold starting Thanksgiving Thursday at 4 p.m. until the shops open next morning at 5 a.m.

Yes, I understand that $15 each for the first 5 seasons of Smallville is a fantastic price, or it would be, if I thought Smallville was worth watching. You know they will still have that price at 8 a.m., when the sun is up and you can see where you parked your car. 

At no point in my life have I ever felt the need to queue up a full day before a shop opens for anything. I am still holding out for the price on the Xbox 360 to go down. Hell, I held out for the price on the original Xbox to go down to $80, meaning I got a used box and can only buy used games. I guess I just do not have it in me to sit on pavement for hours on end to ensure I am the first one to get a computer for $300.

Oh, and when that computer breaks, you do not get to whinge. When they are out of them, you still do not get to whinge. When it takes you an hour to get through the shop for one DVD, you MUST NOT WHINGE. Not today. This is No-Whinging;-You-Knew-What-You-Were-Getting-Into Day. If you go shopping today, you are either stupid or incredibly patient, and from my experience working in retail, it is the former.

If you feel you absolutely must go shopping anytime before midnight tonight, do not be a dick to your cashier or barista or salesperson. Odds are they have been here longer than they ever wanted to, and still have a few hours left to go in their shift. They do not want to be here. They do not want the line to be this long. They REALLY do not want the bitch in front of you paying by cheque. That makes three things the two of you have in common, which is more than enough for you to have no reason to take a goddamned thing out on them.

If you feel you absolutely have to drive today, avoid commercial areas. Stick to back streets or highways when you can. If your route takes you through a traffic light, it is a BAD ROUTE. Your trip will be shorter if you walk. Your trip will be less expensive if you walk. Unless you are buying a shitload of lumber or a 60-inch TV, do not take a car. Hell, mass transit is a bad idea today, and I am a big advocate of mass transit.

If you do not follow these rules, do not be surprised if someone makes you their own personal toilet paper, because they do not want to be here either.