Well, I'm back working retail for the holidays. Goddammit.
I actually like the job. It's easy, it's fun, and I'm surrounded by smartasses. That means I get to be a smartass in return! Huzzah! The downside is it is of course retail, with all the cultural trappings. This isn't a problem per se but it is certainly the source of amusing stories and reasons for me to yell at people, so the blog is back, baby!
Rule number one: You don't get to be an asshole on Christmas Eve. If you're an asshole on Christmas Eve, I'm going to spit on your clothes you just bought. Now, sure, you can just wash them when you get home, but that's effort.
Rule number two: Prank calling stores and insulting the people who work there is pathetic. When I heard about the prank call in question, I had a 'nam flashback where I was beating this douchebag's head into the wall of the jewellers at the centre of the mall while shouting, a la John Goodman in The Big Lebowski, "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ASS!"
Rule number three: if you want a store credit card, you will have to supply your social security number. If you are unwilling to do this, you do not get the card, and you do not get the sign-up discount that comes with the card. You do not get to leave all your stuff there because you didn't get to save $12 and storm out of the shop crying because you are retarded.
Rule number four: No, you may not use the stepladder to get something down yourself, you god damned idiot. I'm this close to printing up ten half-assed liability waivers and having people who want to borrow stepladders sign them before they do.
Rule number five: if you can't find the size you need, tough. It's Christmas Goddamn Eve. You're lucky we HAVE stuff left to sell you. You're going to have to get the nearest size and tell your gift recipient to either gain or lose weight.
Rule number six: The mall always closes at 6 p.m. on Christmas Eve. Don't phone up and ask. The closing times for the entire Christmas season, starting from one week before Thanksgiving to one week after New Year's Day, has been posted on every entrance to the mall since the day after Halloween. It is not our fucking fault if you can't read.
Rule number seven: Miley Cyrus should not be allowed to sing, let alone sing Christmas carols.
Rule number eight: same for punk bands.
Rule number nine: Only John Lennon can get away with singing kids. Similarly, only Paul McCartney cannot get away with using an 80s digital keyboard as his only accompaniment.
Rule number ten: you are under our control. We control how fast the line goes. If you are in a hurry, you should not be Christmas shopping. If you are an asshole, we will make the line go so much slower. If you're nice, we'll try to converse with you while the stupid register takes an hour to do anything.
Rule number eleven: Why do you all have to walk seven across in the mall seriously do you all have to talk to all your friends and can you even understand anything get out of the fucking way
Rule number twelve: in the immortal words of Sir Wil Wheaton, "Don't be a dick."
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Now playing: De La Soul - Betta Listen
via FoxyTunes
I actually like the job. It's easy, it's fun, and I'm surrounded by smartasses. That means I get to be a smartass in return! Huzzah! The downside is it is of course retail, with all the cultural trappings. This isn't a problem per se but it is certainly the source of amusing stories and reasons for me to yell at people, so the blog is back, baby!
Rule number one: You don't get to be an asshole on Christmas Eve. If you're an asshole on Christmas Eve, I'm going to spit on your clothes you just bought. Now, sure, you can just wash them when you get home, but that's effort.
Rule number two: Prank calling stores and insulting the people who work there is pathetic. When I heard about the prank call in question, I had a 'nam flashback where I was beating this douchebag's head into the wall of the jewellers at the centre of the mall while shouting, a la John Goodman in The Big Lebowski, "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ASS!"
Rule number three: if you want a store credit card, you will have to supply your social security number. If you are unwilling to do this, you do not get the card, and you do not get the sign-up discount that comes with the card. You do not get to leave all your stuff there because you didn't get to save $12 and storm out of the shop crying because you are retarded.
Rule number four: No, you may not use the stepladder to get something down yourself, you god damned idiot. I'm this close to printing up ten half-assed liability waivers and having people who want to borrow stepladders sign them before they do.
Rule number five: if you can't find the size you need, tough. It's Christmas Goddamn Eve. You're lucky we HAVE stuff left to sell you. You're going to have to get the nearest size and tell your gift recipient to either gain or lose weight.
Rule number six: The mall always closes at 6 p.m. on Christmas Eve. Don't phone up and ask. The closing times for the entire Christmas season, starting from one week before Thanksgiving to one week after New Year's Day, has been posted on every entrance to the mall since the day after Halloween. It is not our fucking fault if you can't read.
Rule number seven: Miley Cyrus should not be allowed to sing, let alone sing Christmas carols.
Rule number eight: same for punk bands.
Rule number nine: Only John Lennon can get away with singing kids. Similarly, only Paul McCartney cannot get away with using an 80s digital keyboard as his only accompaniment.
Rule number ten: you are under our control. We control how fast the line goes. If you are in a hurry, you should not be Christmas shopping. If you are an asshole, we will make the line go so much slower. If you're nice, we'll try to converse with you while the stupid register takes an hour to do anything.
Rule number eleven: Why do you all have to walk seven across in the mall seriously do you all have to talk to all your friends and can you even understand anything get out of the fucking way
Rule number twelve: in the immortal words of Sir Wil Wheaton, "Don't be a dick."
----------------
Now playing: De La Soul - Betta Listen
via FoxyTunes
